3 years ago today

I had the best Grandma in the entire world, no, make that the universe. She was my mom, my grandma, my sister, my best friend all rolled into one fantastic person. We just had a connection, a bond from the minute we set eyes on eachother, love at first sigbt I like to say. She was hilariously funny, super smartand the most self-less and beautiful person I have ever met (besides her husband, my papa). I could count on her for ANYTHING. We even lived together from the end of my sophomore year til I moved out when I was 20. I told her everything, we did so much together. June 2005: She watched me graduate from community college and was helping me plan my wedding for the next April. December 9th, 2005- The four of us went out for dinner an drinks (which I almost turned down) and had a great time. December 10th, 2005- I got up and went to work that Saturday and then went to the mall for some Christmas shopping with my then finace. We were in Miller's Outpost when Joe got a phone call from my papa. I didn't hear what he said but I saw his face as he came toward me. I held out purse I was considering for his step-sister, "what do you think?" I asked. He told me that we had to go. now. My heart speed up but my feet wouldn't move. He called my sister and told her to come to our house right away. He was pulling me and I was crying, not even knowing what was wrong, but feeling in my heart that is was bad and it was about my nana. We made it to the parking lot, tears pouring from my eyes as I begged him to tell me what was going on. He said he didnt know for sure but nana was sick and papa had called the ambulance. We got in the car and I just remember praying as hard as I could that she was alive. The next call was from papa. Joe looked at me with tears in his eyes and all he coudl say was I'm sorry. He didn't have the words to tell me that my nana, my best friend, was dead. I can still feel that pain right now, it's like I'm back there, in the car. We drove to our house and my brother pulled up at the same time. He was home with my papa and had been told nothing but to go to our house. Joe told me to pull it together, I did my best. I ran past my brother into the house and just stood by the couch sobbing. He came up behind me and asked me if it was what he thought it was and nodded. He hugged me and my legs just gave out and he had to carry me to the couch. I watched helplessly through my own wet eyes as my little brother gripped the counter in my kitchen, dipped his head and cried. My little sister was on her way home from santa barbara and papa didnt want us to be there when they took her away, so we waited. Two of my best friends came over and waited with me. The third would be there shortly. My aunt was in her way from Gerogia and I still couldnt get ahold of my dad. We finally went to their house and walked into the living room. Papa was there, sitting in her chair, holding annie, smiling at us the saddest smile I have ever seen. He told us that she hadn't been feeling well that morning but didnt want to go to the dr. Insisted on some alka seltzer. She went to take a nap and when he went to wake her, she was gone. The next few days were almost unbearable, none of us could eat, sleep was my only escape and every day I hoped to wake up from this nightmare. I never did. My whole world was a disaster. How the hell do I live without her? I'd pick up the phone to call and tell her something ot just to chat only to remember I couldn't. I'd get so mad! I'd get so sad! my emotions were so up and down. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to be alive. She was going to miss my wedding, she was only 61 years old, this wasn't fair! I worried about us all, my papa especially, they were married over 40 years. He got sick right away and after watching him waste away, he died 5 months and ten days after she did. That first year was rough. Thank god for Joe and my besties. They picked me up when I thought I would never be able to get up, when I didn't want to. 3 years later the pain is still so fresh some days (esp. today) that it takes my breath away. But I look back and know how lucky I was to have those people in my life, to be loved so much, for 21 years I had them. They taught me how to be a good person, they made me the person I am today and I am grateful. So today, I smile through the tears and send a big I LOVE YOU up to heaven where they are watching over us.
In loving memory of Barbara Kay Tiley. Gone but most certainly never forgotten.