Miss Boo and the Terrible Two's.

Little girls. There isn't anything sweeter...or insane. I love my daughter more then life itself. Period. There isn't a but coming with that sentence. That said, my daughter also has the ability to make me want to stab myself in the neck with whatever is closest (barbie shoe, plastic vegetables, oooo a marker! etc).

She has the inate ability to change emotions at the drop of a hat. Cracked-out Britney Spears ain't got nothin on my kid. One second everything is peachy keen and the next there is t-rex like shrieking, body bucking, and oh-my-god who is killing that child pandimonium. All because I won't draw her a purple flower right that moment or she can't get her shoe off (or on) or we have to leave a friend's house. I, like an idiot, try to reason with the crazy person in midst of the tantrum. It doesn't work. Then I yell. It doesn't work. Nothing seems to work and at times, I feel like the worst parent ever.

She's 2 and half. She has a vocabulary like you wouldn't believe and is very smart (if I do say so myself) but I have to remember that emotionally she is 2 and half. This is what they do. Patience is the name of the game and sometimes it is in short supply.

She is my sunshine though. A person who has my heart in her hands always and can make me smile with all the funny things she says and does. The "I love you mamas" and the snuggles and kisses just because. She lights up when I walk into the room and throws her arms around me while yelling how much she missed me. It's indescribable to put into words how good that makes you feel.

Being a parent is hard. Being a parent to a toddler is hard. But it is worth it. Even if I am getting many lines and gray hairs in the process.

She's crazy and she's all mine. And I am thankful.

P.S. Someone told me that age 3 is WORSE THEN AGE 2. Where is that marker?!

The past week

Whatta week. Whatta-afreakin-week. First the good:The weekend was great! We got to see some friends we hadn't seen in a really long time and celebrate a 3rd birthday. It was nice to hang out, chat and eat some deliccious treats while watching the kids run all over the place. Sunday I wasn't feeling well, so joe took Belles to another birthday party while I stayed home and rested. It's nice to be alone even when you don't feel good.

Now the bad: Car accident(my new car and totally my fault), wisdom teeth (Joe's, poor guy), and an urgent care visit (Bella-Boo's arm, she's totally fine). The last two happened the same day and the first happened last Thursday but came to an end on the same day as the other two, a day known as Monday but to me, that day was known as please-be-fucking-over-day. The accident could have been a lot worse so I am grateful for that (and for insurance, car, dental, and health even if they don't cover 100% of the cost at least they cover some, so yay!).

More good: Thankfully, yesterday was MUCH better and Joe (not completely up to par but not feeling as bad as the night before) and I took Belles to her first movie. I'm not gonna lie, I was worried about how she would do but we planned it pretty well if I do say so myself. We took her at 11:45 am on a Tuesday to the discount theater in Temecula to see Tangled. It's not a new movie, it's a kids movie and it was in the morning on a weekday. Oh. And we had treats. Lots of treats. She did amazing! She didn't want to leave and we had to promise her that we would come back soon, which we absolutely will.

Just stuff:School's almost over (this week is our late ass spring break) and I have so much to do. I am such a procrastinator so when an instructor says "Oh, you have until the last day of class to turn in all these assignments," my brain responds with "sweet, no homework til May 17th!" ::Sigh:: One day, I will grow up. I hope. Maybe. Ok, probably not but it sounded really good.

Fighting with Myself

Sometimes, when I'm feeling my worst, I feel really alone. Even when I am surrounded by people or my phone is going off with texts or calls (that I can't bring myself to answer), I still feel like I have no one. It's a horrible feeling, one I wish would fuck off. I have a lot of feeling lately that I wish would fuck off. Feeling that no one likes me. Feeling like I'm worthless which brings it back to no one liking me because who would like/love someone like me? I am at war with myself and somedays I am winning. Other days, I lose. It's frustrating to be in my head on these days. Because fighting yourself is a hard, uphill, seemingly impossible battle. But I am fighting. And I won't stop.

A New Day

"Last post October 2, 2009." Whoa. There's almost as much dust on this thing as there is on my window sills...almost. I quit writing simply because I felt I was too boring, I had nothing that anyone would want to read, so I gave up. Story of my mother effin' life. I am the ultimate giver-upper, if it was a sport, I'd be a gold medalist. I'm not bragging, I know this isn't a good thing, just stating the facts. This is my problem, well one of my problems at least. Also, I am a very insecure person who worries what everyone else thinks about me, the things I say, the things I don't say, the things I do, and the things I don't do. I don't love myself the way I should. I don't embrace myself and my good qualities like I should. I constantly focus on what I think is wrong and it becomes an obssession. So not good right? I decided that I'm going to write for me. Because I have always loved to write and I think that I need this right now. A place to get my feelings out, to work through them. So what if no one reads this? So what if someone does and rolls their eyes like, biatch what do you have to complain about or why are you writing about this or that? It won't always be about what's wrong but what's so right with my life. The things and people I have, that I am so grateful and lucky to have in my life. I'm currently working on fixing myself. This past year or so (especially the past few months) I have struggled with my "issues" and it has affected activities and relationships with those I love. To them I offer a heartfelt and sincere apology with a plea to not give up on me. I know that I am probably very frustrating right now and dealing with me while dealing with their own lives may seem like too much so I also say thank you. Thank you for being there for me and most of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving me all the times that I have not been able to love myself. xoxoxo

Piss Off Mother Nature

Breasts.Boobies. Titties. Chee-Chees. The girls. Tommy and Chuckie as one weird girl on my HS cheer squad called em. I always wanted some. Except when it was bra buying day and I made my Nana carry the bag around the mall because I just knew people would know I had a bra in there and that made me really embarrassed for some reason. (side note: I did the same thing when I started my period. I didn't buy my own "supplies" til I was out of high school).

I was a nearly A (that's right, NEARLY A) when I was 13, an A cup when I was a freshman and then sophomore year I made it to a B cup. I happily announced that to anyone who happened to say hello to me. It was a big deal! I had boobs! Sorta. I stayed a steady 34 B til I got pregnant when I was 23. I was so excited! Yeah the baby was great news but I was almost equally as stoked for the awesome boobs I envisioned myself with! Sorry kid. ;)

I was 14 weeks along when my little sister looked up as I was changing my shirt for our trip to the mall and said, "You need a new bra."

Me: "I do?" I was surprised. I honestly didn't feel like I had grown enough to need a new bra. I was only 14 weeks.

Sister: "Your boobs are about to fall out of your bra!"

Me: "Ok, let's make a stop at VS when we get to the mall and I'll get measured."

Off we went to the mall and low and behold the VS sales lady measured me and announced "36 D."

My jaw hit the floor. 36D?! I thought I'd have to get a boob job to get those size boobies! I did a victory dance right then and there and called my hubby to report the joyous news: I had boobs! Big ones too! My sis even bought me a new bra. She's awesome like that.

I reveled in my new additions. Low cut tops? Check. Push up bra? Check. Bending over so anyone could get an eyeful, wanted or not? Double check!

After delivery was even better. Milk boobs. And after my stomach went down(still fat but not preggo) they looked even bigger. I breastfed for 3 1/2 months before my milk dried up and not only did I feel bad for not being able to feed my kid the nutriousness that is breast milk, I wasn't ready to go back to little boobs. So I bought a 36 C bra and wore that for awhile as my boobs started to shrink. Then that bra no longer fit but my old bras didn't fit either (hello post-pregnancy back fat!) so I just wore that one til my husband told me "I can see down to your belly button, the gap between your bra and your boob is so big." Jerk. But he was a correct jerk. On went the 34 B, a lil tight in the back but fit in the front. I just wore (ok wear) a stretchy spaghetti strap tank top under any non-flowy top to help disguise the roll.

My daughter is 14 months old and a month ago I came out in a tank top sans bra and my aunt was sitting on the couch. She looked up and exclaimed, "You really DON'T have any boobs!"

Me: crosses arms over non-existent chest, "Gee, thanks."

Family. Always there to knock ya down a peg.

Then, like two weeks ago, I noticed a gap in my bra. Are. you. freaking. kidding. me??????? Goddamn you Mother Nature! You're a thief! You're not supposed to take what little I had to begin with! It's not right! It's not fair!!

::throws herself on the floor and cries::

Anywho, the moral of the story is: Mother Nature is a shiesty bitch. You can tell her I said that.

Loss

I can't get this out of my head so I decided to write about it and am hoping I make no mistakes in the telling of this devastating loss.

One of my best friend's lost a friend yesterday under very tragic circumstances. All death is sad but this one hits a bit harder than most. You see, her friend Jewelyn and her husband Phillip went in to have their baby girl Gabrielle and this happy and excited time turned into a situation that you think only happens in movies, books, or tv...not to your friend. She needed an emergency C-section due to a drop in her own heart rate and at that time she suffered an amniotic embolism and disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC) and lost all brain activity. Her husband had an agonizing decision to make. At 11:30 am Sunday September 27th, 2009 they shut off life support and she passed away. I believe she never laid eyes on her daughter. Gabrielle (I hear) is at UCLA where she was transferred after delivery and is doing well. Thank god for that.

I have never met this woman. I have only heard her name mentioned or seen it on Bestie Jenn's Facebook page. A comment on a status, a retelling of something said on their board on the nest, is all I knew of her, til yesterday. I've seen pictures, read stories, heard stories all about this wonderful woman and how this world is less bright without her in it. It makes me cry and makes my heart ache to know that her daughter will never met her mother and that her husband has to know the joy of having a child born and the anguish of losing his soul mate all in the same day. Two events that should not be linked. It's very similar to my friend Matt's situation (www.mattlogelin.com) who lost his wife 27 hours after the birth of his little girl Madeline.

Why the fuck does this happen? It makes NO sense. I know it could drive a person crazy trying to figure out the answer to that but I can't help it. So many things happen in this world that I just don't understand. Things that I wish so badly I could fix. But I can't and that's a horrible feeling. What I CAN do, is get with the amazing women who are already working on how to make this terrible, painful time a smidge better/easier for this family. And I will. You can help too...even if you can't donate money, please say a prayer, send some love their way (I can get the p.o. box if you want it) it's all good.

Also, as cheesy as this sounds, don't take life or the people you love for granted and know that tomorrow is never guaranteed.

R.I.P. Best Flip Flop Ever

So if you follow me on Facebook, you already know about the demise of my favorite pair of flippy flops, but I decided that since they were so awesome and since I can't seem to post regularly, I'd write about it more in depth here. No one said that all my posts would be interesting to anyone but me. :)

Ahem. Said Flip-flop was indeed the best flip-flop a girl could ask for. Always there to complete my outfit with style and comfort. I bought them in 2003...yes, you aren't seeing things, 2003. No one can say that I didn't get my money's worth outta those babies. I tried to get out of buying them by "borrowing" my little sister's best friend's pair but alas, she wanted hers back so I had to purchase a pair of my very own. And from that day on, we were inseparable. We had many adventures, went to many places, had a lot of good times. ::sigh::

A few months ago, I noticed part of the shoe by my heel getting thinner and thinner. A hole was on it's way. But that didn't stop my little sandal, no sirree bob. It kept going strong even as I could feel the hot asphalt through the shoe and a friend's husband asked me if I was a "hobo." Pssshhh, hater. My shoe was a trooper!

Sadly, Wednesday September 23, 2009 my shoe lost it's fight with the dreaded hole. You will be missed. I can only hope to find a replacement as fabulous as you. ::sniff::

Sometime 2003-September 23, 2009