Old people are up way too mother fuckin early...so was I

What the fuck was I thinking this morning? I jumped outta bed at 4:59 A.M. to go to the GYM before work.

Seriously, I thought I would be like, the only person at the gym this morning because it was really, really early and who else but me is an evil genius to be at the gym before any else? I'll tell you who: OLD PEOPLE. And they were all in my way.

Clearly the patience motherhood was supposed to gift me hasn't come into fruition yet because I had visions of pushing old people out of the way, down stairs and what not as I tried to make my way upstairs to the cardio equipment so I could get this damn workout over and done with before I got lazy and decided to go McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin instead. It was a close call.

Anyways. I chugged my way dutifully through an hour of cardio and only thought I was going to die or throw up three times. Yay me! It's been a few weeks since I exercised but it felt like a few months. All that sitting on my ass and enjoying candy and pizza really didn't help me as much as I thought it would. But it sure was delicious. And relaxing. And now some of my clothes don't fit.

How does that happen so fast? I was going to the damn gym for 2 months, 3-4 times a week and eating pretty good; no weight lost. I wasn't trying to lose weight, just tone up but I'm not gonna lie, a few vanity pounds dropped would've been super nice and confidence boosting. I stop going to the gym and eat bad, well not bad, just not as well as I had been eating and I gain weight.

Back to the grind and back to normal work out times. Like 4pm when all the senior citizens are at Long John Silvers for dinner.

People let me tell you about my best friend(s).

I have the best friends. Wait. You think that YOU have the best friends? Nope. Sorry. That title belongs to my friends and my friends alone.

These bitches (a term of endearment for those of you not in the know) are more than just friends. More than just besties. These girls are my sisters-from-other-misters. I know that I can count on them for anything. We laugh together, we cry together, we go crazy (both the good and the bad ways) together, we are just together. Knowing that I have women (oh god, we are women aren't we?) like them in my life makes the hard times less hard and the fun times even more fun.

They are fiercely loyal and hilariously funny. They are freaking gorgeous and so very smart. They are loud, crazy, outspoken and insanely generous. They don't do drama and the bullshit games. They are honest and I swear it seems, fearless. They are some of the best people I have ever known. And they are mine.

There aren't enough words in the english language or any other language for that matter, to describe the love I have for them. They have helped me hold my shit together more times than I can count. Loving me and never judging me.

It's harder these days to get together as much as we'd like. Life has a way of getting in the way. But they are always in my thoughts and in my heart.

Without them...I don't even want to think about it.

I'm a lucky, lucky, girl...ok, woman.

Miss Boo and the Terrible Two's.

Little girls. There isn't anything sweeter...or insane. I love my daughter more then life itself. Period. There isn't a but coming with that sentence. That said, my daughter also has the ability to make me want to stab myself in the neck with whatever is closest (barbie shoe, plastic vegetables, oooo a marker! etc).

She has the inate ability to change emotions at the drop of a hat. Cracked-out Britney Spears ain't got nothin on my kid. One second everything is peachy keen and the next there is t-rex like shrieking, body bucking, and oh-my-god who is killing that child pandimonium. All because I won't draw her a purple flower right that moment or she can't get her shoe off (or on) or we have to leave a friend's house. I, like an idiot, try to reason with the crazy person in midst of the tantrum. It doesn't work. Then I yell. It doesn't work. Nothing seems to work and at times, I feel like the worst parent ever.

She's 2 and half. She has a vocabulary like you wouldn't believe and is very smart (if I do say so myself) but I have to remember that emotionally she is 2 and half. This is what they do. Patience is the name of the game and sometimes it is in short supply.

She is my sunshine though. A person who has my heart in her hands always and can make me smile with all the funny things she says and does. The "I love you mamas" and the snuggles and kisses just because. She lights up when I walk into the room and throws her arms around me while yelling how much she missed me. It's indescribable to put into words how good that makes you feel.

Being a parent is hard. Being a parent to a toddler is hard. But it is worth it. Even if I am getting many lines and gray hairs in the process.

She's crazy and she's all mine. And I am thankful.

P.S. Someone told me that age 3 is WORSE THEN AGE 2. Where is that marker?!

The past week

Whatta week. Whatta-afreakin-week. First the good:The weekend was great! We got to see some friends we hadn't seen in a really long time and celebrate a 3rd birthday. It was nice to hang out, chat and eat some deliccious treats while watching the kids run all over the place. Sunday I wasn't feeling well, so joe took Belles to another birthday party while I stayed home and rested. It's nice to be alone even when you don't feel good.

Now the bad: Car accident(my new car and totally my fault), wisdom teeth (Joe's, poor guy), and an urgent care visit (Bella-Boo's arm, she's totally fine). The last two happened the same day and the first happened last Thursday but came to an end on the same day as the other two, a day known as Monday but to me, that day was known as please-be-fucking-over-day. The accident could have been a lot worse so I am grateful for that (and for insurance, car, dental, and health even if they don't cover 100% of the cost at least they cover some, so yay!).

More good: Thankfully, yesterday was MUCH better and Joe (not completely up to par but not feeling as bad as the night before) and I took Belles to her first movie. I'm not gonna lie, I was worried about how she would do but we planned it pretty well if I do say so myself. We took her at 11:45 am on a Tuesday to the discount theater in Temecula to see Tangled. It's not a new movie, it's a kids movie and it was in the morning on a weekday. Oh. And we had treats. Lots of treats. She did amazing! She didn't want to leave and we had to promise her that we would come back soon, which we absolutely will.

Just stuff:School's almost over (this week is our late ass spring break) and I have so much to do. I am such a procrastinator so when an instructor says "Oh, you have until the last day of class to turn in all these assignments," my brain responds with "sweet, no homework til May 17th!" ::Sigh:: One day, I will grow up. I hope. Maybe. Ok, probably not but it sounded really good.

Fighting with Myself

Sometimes, when I'm feeling my worst, I feel really alone. Even when I am surrounded by people or my phone is going off with texts or calls (that I can't bring myself to answer), I still feel like I have no one. It's a horrible feeling, one I wish would fuck off. I have a lot of feeling lately that I wish would fuck off. Feeling that no one likes me. Feeling like I'm worthless which brings it back to no one liking me because who would like/love someone like me? I am at war with myself and somedays I am winning. Other days, I lose. It's frustrating to be in my head on these days. Because fighting yourself is a hard, uphill, seemingly impossible battle. But I am fighting. And I won't stop.

A New Day

"Last post October 2, 2009." Whoa. There's almost as much dust on this thing as there is on my window sills...almost. I quit writing simply because I felt I was too boring, I had nothing that anyone would want to read, so I gave up. Story of my mother effin' life. I am the ultimate giver-upper, if it was a sport, I'd be a gold medalist. I'm not bragging, I know this isn't a good thing, just stating the facts. This is my problem, well one of my problems at least. Also, I am a very insecure person who worries what everyone else thinks about me, the things I say, the things I don't say, the things I do, and the things I don't do. I don't love myself the way I should. I don't embrace myself and my good qualities like I should. I constantly focus on what I think is wrong and it becomes an obssession. So not good right? I decided that I'm going to write for me. Because I have always loved to write and I think that I need this right now. A place to get my feelings out, to work through them. So what if no one reads this? So what if someone does and rolls their eyes like, biatch what do you have to complain about or why are you writing about this or that? It won't always be about what's wrong but what's so right with my life. The things and people I have, that I am so grateful and lucky to have in my life. I'm currently working on fixing myself. This past year or so (especially the past few months) I have struggled with my "issues" and it has affected activities and relationships with those I love. To them I offer a heartfelt and sincere apology with a plea to not give up on me. I know that I am probably very frustrating right now and dealing with me while dealing with their own lives may seem like too much so I also say thank you. Thank you for being there for me and most of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving me all the times that I have not been able to love myself. xoxoxo