A New Day

"Last post October 2, 2009." Whoa. There's almost as much dust on this thing as there is on my window sills...almost. I quit writing simply because I felt I was too boring, I had nothing that anyone would want to read, so I gave up. Story of my mother effin' life. I am the ultimate giver-upper, if it was a sport, I'd be a gold medalist. I'm not bragging, I know this isn't a good thing, just stating the facts. This is my problem, well one of my problems at least. Also, I am a very insecure person who worries what everyone else thinks about me, the things I say, the things I don't say, the things I do, and the things I don't do. I don't love myself the way I should. I don't embrace myself and my good qualities like I should. I constantly focus on what I think is wrong and it becomes an obssession. So not good right? I decided that I'm going to write for me. Because I have always loved to write and I think that I need this right now. A place to get my feelings out, to work through them. So what if no one reads this? So what if someone does and rolls their eyes like, biatch what do you have to complain about or why are you writing about this or that? It won't always be about what's wrong but what's so right with my life. The things and people I have, that I am so grateful and lucky to have in my life. I'm currently working on fixing myself. This past year or so (especially the past few months) I have struggled with my "issues" and it has affected activities and relationships with those I love. To them I offer a heartfelt and sincere apology with a plea to not give up on me. I know that I am probably very frustrating right now and dealing with me while dealing with their own lives may seem like too much so I also say thank you. Thank you for being there for me and most of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving me all the times that I have not been able to love myself. xoxoxo

Piss Off Mother Nature

Breasts.Boobies. Titties. Chee-Chees. The girls. Tommy and Chuckie as one weird girl on my HS cheer squad called em. I always wanted some. Except when it was bra buying day and I made my Nana carry the bag around the mall because I just knew people would know I had a bra in there and that made me really embarrassed for some reason. (side note: I did the same thing when I started my period. I didn't buy my own "supplies" til I was out of high school).

I was a nearly A (that's right, NEARLY A) when I was 13, an A cup when I was a freshman and then sophomore year I made it to a B cup. I happily announced that to anyone who happened to say hello to me. It was a big deal! I had boobs! Sorta. I stayed a steady 34 B til I got pregnant when I was 23. I was so excited! Yeah the baby was great news but I was almost equally as stoked for the awesome boobs I envisioned myself with! Sorry kid. ;)

I was 14 weeks along when my little sister looked up as I was changing my shirt for our trip to the mall and said, "You need a new bra."

Me: "I do?" I was surprised. I honestly didn't feel like I had grown enough to need a new bra. I was only 14 weeks.

Sister: "Your boobs are about to fall out of your bra!"

Me: "Ok, let's make a stop at VS when we get to the mall and I'll get measured."

Off we went to the mall and low and behold the VS sales lady measured me and announced "36 D."

My jaw hit the floor. 36D?! I thought I'd have to get a boob job to get those size boobies! I did a victory dance right then and there and called my hubby to report the joyous news: I had boobs! Big ones too! My sis even bought me a new bra. She's awesome like that.

I reveled in my new additions. Low cut tops? Check. Push up bra? Check. Bending over so anyone could get an eyeful, wanted or not? Double check!

After delivery was even better. Milk boobs. And after my stomach went down(still fat but not preggo) they looked even bigger. I breastfed for 3 1/2 months before my milk dried up and not only did I feel bad for not being able to feed my kid the nutriousness that is breast milk, I wasn't ready to go back to little boobs. So I bought a 36 C bra and wore that for awhile as my boobs started to shrink. Then that bra no longer fit but my old bras didn't fit either (hello post-pregnancy back fat!) so I just wore that one til my husband told me "I can see down to your belly button, the gap between your bra and your boob is so big." Jerk. But he was a correct jerk. On went the 34 B, a lil tight in the back but fit in the front. I just wore (ok wear) a stretchy spaghetti strap tank top under any non-flowy top to help disguise the roll.

My daughter is 14 months old and a month ago I came out in a tank top sans bra and my aunt was sitting on the couch. She looked up and exclaimed, "You really DON'T have any boobs!"

Me: crosses arms over non-existent chest, "Gee, thanks."

Family. Always there to knock ya down a peg.

Then, like two weeks ago, I noticed a gap in my bra. Are. you. freaking. kidding. me??????? Goddamn you Mother Nature! You're a thief! You're not supposed to take what little I had to begin with! It's not right! It's not fair!!

::throws herself on the floor and cries::

Anywho, the moral of the story is: Mother Nature is a shiesty bitch. You can tell her I said that.

Loss

I can't get this out of my head so I decided to write about it and am hoping I make no mistakes in the telling of this devastating loss.

One of my best friend's lost a friend yesterday under very tragic circumstances. All death is sad but this one hits a bit harder than most. You see, her friend Jewelyn and her husband Phillip went in to have their baby girl Gabrielle and this happy and excited time turned into a situation that you think only happens in movies, books, or tv...not to your friend. She needed an emergency C-section due to a drop in her own heart rate and at that time she suffered an amniotic embolism and disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC) and lost all brain activity. Her husband had an agonizing decision to make. At 11:30 am Sunday September 27th, 2009 they shut off life support and she passed away. I believe she never laid eyes on her daughter. Gabrielle (I hear) is at UCLA where she was transferred after delivery and is doing well. Thank god for that.

I have never met this woman. I have only heard her name mentioned or seen it on Bestie Jenn's Facebook page. A comment on a status, a retelling of something said on their board on the nest, is all I knew of her, til yesterday. I've seen pictures, read stories, heard stories all about this wonderful woman and how this world is less bright without her in it. It makes me cry and makes my heart ache to know that her daughter will never met her mother and that her husband has to know the joy of having a child born and the anguish of losing his soul mate all in the same day. Two events that should not be linked. It's very similar to my friend Matt's situation (www.mattlogelin.com) who lost his wife 27 hours after the birth of his little girl Madeline.

Why the fuck does this happen? It makes NO sense. I know it could drive a person crazy trying to figure out the answer to that but I can't help it. So many things happen in this world that I just don't understand. Things that I wish so badly I could fix. But I can't and that's a horrible feeling. What I CAN do, is get with the amazing women who are already working on how to make this terrible, painful time a smidge better/easier for this family. And I will. You can help too...even if you can't donate money, please say a prayer, send some love their way (I can get the p.o. box if you want it) it's all good.

Also, as cheesy as this sounds, don't take life or the people you love for granted and know that tomorrow is never guaranteed.

R.I.P. Best Flip Flop Ever

So if you follow me on Facebook, you already know about the demise of my favorite pair of flippy flops, but I decided that since they were so awesome and since I can't seem to post regularly, I'd write about it more in depth here. No one said that all my posts would be interesting to anyone but me. :)

Ahem. Said Flip-flop was indeed the best flip-flop a girl could ask for. Always there to complete my outfit with style and comfort. I bought them in 2003...yes, you aren't seeing things, 2003. No one can say that I didn't get my money's worth outta those babies. I tried to get out of buying them by "borrowing" my little sister's best friend's pair but alas, she wanted hers back so I had to purchase a pair of my very own. And from that day on, we were inseparable. We had many adventures, went to many places, had a lot of good times. ::sigh::

A few months ago, I noticed part of the shoe by my heel getting thinner and thinner. A hole was on it's way. But that didn't stop my little sandal, no sirree bob. It kept going strong even as I could feel the hot asphalt through the shoe and a friend's husband asked me if I was a "hobo." Pssshhh, hater. My shoe was a trooper!

Sadly, Wednesday September 23, 2009 my shoe lost it's fight with the dreaded hole. You will be missed. I can only hope to find a replacement as fabulous as you. ::sniff::

Sometime 2003-September 23, 2009

Dear Bella

Dear Bella,

I was inspired today by Heather (thespohrsaremulitplying.com) to write you a letter. I have thought about and intended to do it countless other times but after reading Heather's letter, I made myself sit down and do it.

Finding out I was pregnant with you was the most exhilarating and terrifying day of my life (before birthing you out and then realizing that it was mine and your father's sole responsibility to keep you alive and teach you to be a wonderful human being, but I digress). We had been TTC for four months to no avail when I finally got TWO fabulous pink lines after I peed on that little stick. You weren't a surprise but it was still scary. It was real, it was happening: I was going to have a baby!

You were a pretty good lil fetus, I must say. Only once did I throw up even though I felt like I was for most if the day but it wasn't too horrible. I enjoyed being pregnant. Eating whatever I wanted, no sucking in my stomach and feeling/then seeing you move around in there was amazing. That day in February when we found out you were a girl...the happiness is indescribable. We went shopping right after the appointment and bought your bedding, some room decor and of course, clothes and a fab pair of leopard print mary janes. We named you that day too, after months of arguing, your daddy really did like Isabella Marie but enjoyed fighting with me too much to say so. :/

The pregnancy progressed and it got time for you to arrive. You decided to fashionably late by 2 days and after being induced, you were born and I was exhausted yet over the moon to finally see your little face. You were/are the most beautiful baby I have ever seen (I'm not biased or anything lol) and immediately I fell more in love with you then I ever thought possible.

This past year has been crazy for your daddy and I but having you has made all those things seem so insignificant. How can I look at you and not smile? Unless you are doing that dinosaur-like scream as you roll around on the floor...ok, even that makes me laugh at first. You have taught me so much. I'm finding my inner child again as I get down to play and giggle with you. I see you in awe of things that I have come to not even notice anymore and it brings me back, makes me slow down and truly appreciate the little things in life.

Now it's not always easy being a mother and I know that patience is a virtue that you are still working on with me. But for you, I want to be the best mother I can. To give you the love I had as a child and more. To give you anything your heart desires and to show you that you can do anything you set your mind too, you are that awesome.

I'm in awe of this person growing right in front of my eyes. Every day you learn new things and it's with delight and pride that I watch you practice your new skills. I could watch you for hours. You are becoming more and more independent and I can't believe how big you are! You aren't an infant anymore, you are a toddler. My eyes well up when I think of how fast this year went but I know that I enjoyed it all and would do it again in a heartbeat.

I'm going to end this now even though I could go on all day about how great you are and how much I love you.

Bella Boo, you made me a mom. Thank you. I love you with my whole heart and then some baby girl.

xoxoxoxo,
Mommy

Bella turns 1....this post in SUPER late

As you can see, not only am I a slacker, I am lazy. Just pics, no real post. :)

Bella had a great time at her birthday extravaganza. She jumped, swam, played with her buddies, ate tacos and had cake for the very first time. Her ladybug cake made her look like a zombie who just got done feasting on some brains but whatever. She got many wonderful gifts and celebrated her day with some fabulous people. I still can't believe she's one. ::sighs::

A year and a few days ago

I planned to write this on Saturday, July 4, 2009 but I didn't have a chance so today wins.


One year ago from said Saturday, this is what I was doing:

Getting my maternity pictures done by the fabulous Bestie Jenn (http://www.littlefishphotography.blogspot.com/). It wasn't typical 4th of July doings but who cares? I was so excited to have these done, something to show my daughter when she got older. Look how happy your mommy and daddy were to be having you and how excited they were to meet you! We were doing the baby countdown. I was 38 1/2 weeks pregnant, hoping, ok sometimes praying, to go into labor. I loved being pregnant 98% of the time but by this point in time I was huge, Bella was moving internal organs, and it was so, so hot. I was ready. Bestie Jenn showed up and we had a great time. No fuss, no muss just enjoyed the morning, getting our picture taken. She got so many great shots, it was hard to believe this was her first maternity shoot.

She had some great ideas and also let me get creative too. She was even kind enough to lend me her sunglasses.

Afterwards, we went and had some lunch at our favorite lil mexican joint. It was a fabulous day. I absolutely treasure these pictures and Bestie Jenn for taking them. Isn't she talented? Makes me wanna have another baby just to take some more. LOL Did I just say that? ;)